The Gay Bar

You shouldn’t really be here, should you?
You should be at home with your wife – playing football with your 12 year old son and his mate “Jerry”, who just happens to live with you. Please don’t walk in, you’ll only regret it later on.
Ok. What would Alan Sugar do? Have a drink. That’s right. A casual drink and then we’re going home. And don’t get the wrong idea when I mean ‘drink’. Ok Martin, just sit down at the bar and don’t look at anyone. You are just a normal man in a normal bar ordering a normal drink.
“What can I get you darrlin?”
Oh my god, that has to be the most ravishingly gorgeous bar man in the whole wide worl…..
No, No, No – pack it in Martin, just look him in the eye and slowly ask him for a simple pint, and nothing else. We don’t want an action reply of the ‘Sexy Simon’ incident do we?
Ok, you’re sitting in a gay bar, sipping your pint. Surely you’re just representing the modern metrosexual man? Hang on, what’s that poking your leg? Great. Just great. You’ve only gone and attracted male attention, haven’t you? doing the whole “I’m having a drink after work with my business suit on”. These guys aren’t fools, they know what you are really up to Martin.
“How did such a handsome man end up in here, you must be a new-cummer!”
Right, just act casual. Smart casual like someone on an M&S advert. Make yourself look available but never be available. Just please, oh please, don’t say anything that would imply your homosexuality.
“I took the back passage.”
You idiot. Please tell me that you did not just say those words to a gay person who is trying to pull you. Oh fuck it, lets have some fun. You know your wife’s shagging Tony from across the road anyway, so really you are killing two birds with one stone. He must be gay too – he did lend me his DVD box-set of Last Of The Summer Wine. That was a good day. Right, back on track. I think the best thing to do is it to wait for a reply,
“Aww, well my place is just round the bend, so if you want to come in for coffee and some bourbons, then that would be awesome. I like the cream filling personally.”
The door is in front of you Marty, walk through it and go home. Come on, Waking The Dead is on and you’re gonna miss it. Yeah, there’s always iPlayer but nothing beats watching it on the tv with some kettle chips. Oh come on, it’s not like you’re taking crack or anything; it’s just a bit of harmless gay sex. And you like bourbons anyway. Just get up, follow the guy, and enjoy all that the bourbon has to offer. That’s right Martin, this is your life from now on.

This may seem like a simple case of your average British man in a mid-life crisis, but Martin’s story is just one of many. Thousands of you are going off your wives and jumping on the bandwagon and into another mans bed. Well I’m sorry that your wives are fat and that your children have diabetes, but please, for the sake of this country, zip up your trousers and donate £2 a month to the YNCA (You Naughty Cunts Awareness). Together, we can rebuild the normal non-gay man. Thank you.

Soupernova.